Advice about giving gentle feedback
Describe the facts - Do not attack the person
"You did not bring the notes we agreed you would"
is much more likely to have a constructive effect than
"You are lazy and unreliable"
And it is very clear which of the following is gentle and which offensive:
"The essay does not have an introduction"
"The essay should have an introduction - Stupid!"
If you describe what you actually see and hear it will reduce the need for
the other person to react defensively.
Describe your own thoughts and feelings rather than the other
person's.
"I felt intimidated when you argued your point"
is less threatening than:
"You were very aggressive".
Similarly, you could say
"I could not follow your argument. Could you explain it?"
rather than
"Your essay is very confused"
Be specific rather than general
"I lost interest when you spent several minutes finding your data"
focuses on the particular problem. whereas
is a general attack on the other person's character.
"I could not understand what you are saying at this point in the
essay"
is more helpful than
"I could not understand your essay"
Give honest feedback, politely
"I understand your essay"
and
May be equally unhelpful in different ways. The second is offensive. The
first is encouraging if true, but very unhelpful if false. In most cases
the inoffensive but helpful reply will be:
"I am clear about these parts of your essay, but I do not fully
understand these parts"
Only give feedback about behaviour that can be controlled.
It is not helpful to comment on someone's lisp. Hopefully, you would not do
this. But, remember, that there are many things that it is easy for some
people to control, and much more difficult for other people. For example:
It is unhelpful to just criticise spelling when
the person may have considerable spelling difficulties. A pencil line round
spelling mistakes you recognise, and the correct spelling in the margin, is
usually appreciated.
Give feedback when it is asked for
Giving feedback is more
effective when it is requested than when it is offered unsolicited.
You can ask someone, "Would you like some feedback?", but if they say
no, then you should not impose it.
Check your feedback with others
Give other people in the team the opportunity to disagree with your
feedback or to qualify it. See if they noticed and felt the same things, or
if they saw things differently.
Give feedback promptly, if you can
In general feedback is most useful at the earliest opportunity after
the given behaviour. But some feedback may need more careful consideration.
It may be better to take a copy of someone's essay and give careful
feedback later.
Get feedback on your feedback
Check that you have communicated your feedback clearly. You could ask
the person to rephrase your feedback to see if it corresponds closely to
what you intended.
Giving
Feedback
ADVICE ABOUT RECEIVING FEEDBACK
Listen to the feedback. Try to understand the other person's
feelings.
Give the feedback serious consideration and weigh up the consequences
of changing or not changing. Do not reject it immediately.
Express your thoughts and feelings about feedback and about possible
changes in your behaviour, for example:
"What you say feels about right but if I tried what you are suggesting
then I would probably feel ..."
Tell the person about whether you intend to try to change, and in
what ways.
Tell the person what she or he could do to help you to change. For
example:
"If you notice me getting like that again, can you give me a quiet
nudge?"
Express appreciation for the concern. Say:
"Thank you for the feedback."
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